In 2010 a few big changes in my life hit all at once: my mother died, I got divorced, struggled to reboot a dormant career, and lost friends due to a very unfriendly rumor mill. And there was more I don’t have time to go into here. There had been red flags along the way leading up to much of all that. Looking back I’m shocked by how shocked I was. The red flags were there all along.
One of the things that brought joy into my life during those dark days was joining a band as their lead singer and co-writer, just for the fun of it. Collaborating with musicians, performing on stage, and sitting on the grass in the park with my notebook writing songs for entire afternoons was medicine for my soul and an infusion of joy that helped me cope with all the loss and sorrow.
I made an album with the band, and then I left the band and made an EP on my own. The EP included a song called “Red Flags” that on the surface is about an ill-fated relationship, but it’s also about just a general feeling of being bamboozled by someone you thought you could trust.
Here’s that song:
The thing is, often hindsight is 20/20. It can be hard to see “all the red flags flying” in the present moment when you trust someone/something and want to believe them/it to be true. But the old adage is usually true: “if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck.”
It’s especially hard when you see the red flags, but don’t want to believe what they’re signaling to you. Maybe it’s too upsetting/scary, or it has the potential to turn your world upside down. Maybe your default setting is co-dependency and people pleasing and you are preset to fixing everyone but yourself. Maybe you are second guessing your sense of reality because someone is gaslighting you. I get it. I’ve been there. It sucks.
“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”
– William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3
Red flags show up in relationships, the workplace, and politics, on social media, in the news, with family and friends and even at times, within oneself. It is hard to see warning signs clearly. Then we beat ourselves up for not seeing them. The trick is to try to not make the same mistake twice. Learn from your mistakes. And have the wisdom to accept what you can and can’t control.
In his book Long Walk to Freedom Nelson Mandela reflects, “I realized that they could take everything from me except my mind and heart… And I decided not to give them away.” And Shakespeare wrote, “This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” I wrote my college admission essay about that latter quote a million years ago, and it has always stuck with me. Know in your heart and mind what you believe and stand for, and no matter what anyone else says or does, they can’t change that.
“I realized that they could take everything from me except my mind and heart… And I decided not to give them away.”
– Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom
If any of this resonates with you, I wish you clarity and courage. Stay attuned to the messages the universe sends you and trust your gut instinct. Nobody can control what you know to be true and value in life. There are ways to set and hold boundaries in some way in most circumstances. And remember that even in the dark times, light can be found. Listen to or make some music/art/poetry. Dance. Bake. Take a walk. Feel the breeze in your hair and the sun on your back. Give someone a present. Volunteer somewhere. Snuggle with a pet. Write a letter to an old friend. Let this post be a reminder – a white flag of friendly peace – that it’s okay to be happy once in awhile, even when life gets really sad.
Lyrics for Red Flags:
Funny how you weave some truth into a story made of lies and I drank that drink you poured made of liquid alibis my tears were not for sale my fears were really real AND there were... all the red flags flying all the red flags flying there were... all the red flags flying all the red flags flying Funny how the blind can see reminds me of you and me we felt our way inside the dark trying to light a spark your arm around my waist the way your kisses taste BUT there were... (chorus) How do I get past the way you smiled last night And there were all the red flags flying all the red flags flying... Funny how we started out the beginning was the start of the end I didn’t hear the words you said You do not so easily bend what was false or true? how do I let go... Of all the red flags flying... (chorus) Funny how you weave some truth into a story made of lies
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Hi - just listened to your versatile clear voice, closed my eyes and pictured you smiling and singing into a mic. I bet you felt right at home with the band at your back in those days! In these last few years I've been reflecting on how many forms of intelligence we have. And, at least for me, how entrenched I am in thinking my brain is the best. Your essay made me think about instinct as an intelligence. I've been trying to hone in more on feelings and imagination and creativity as intelligence - all to say, our brain can ignore truth, but I think our gut does not. I'm working on being more attuned to it. I bet my gut can spot a red flag quickly - if I'm paying attention to it.
Hi Ashley, first thing first: thank you very much for linking my Substack,I really appreciate it! Interesting post and some very true words there from Mandela, Shakespeare and yourself of course. I enjoy the song, but I will have to get back to Spotify to hear it all and with the lyrics ( after 20 years of speaking in English daily, I think in English, I still don't understand most of the lyrics in the songs). Sending white flags